Challenging but manageable

I continue to find house arrest more and more challenging but yet manageable at the same time if that makes any sense.

It is challenging because my family lives in Erie and I live out in Pittsburgh area.  Therefore, no family comes to visit me.  That is hard especially when the days seem to get longer and longer and longer.  You might say, call them.  Yep, I do that but there is nothing like seeing and spending time with your family.  Try to imagine not having family around for any holidays at all, no amazing life events such as becoming pregnant or going months without seeing your loved ones.  Pretty hard to envision huh.  Some might say, well you did the crime now this is your punishment, they would not come to see you if you were in prison.  True.  I do not discount any of those suggestions, facts, realities and so forth.  All I am simply saying is, even though I made a mistake and did the crime, it is incredibly frustrating, hard and makes the time go much slower when you do not have family around you.  I used to think I would be ale to move to another state and forget all about family because I was never entirely close to my family.  Boy was I wrong.  Or is it more painful knowing that I cannot just pack up for a weekend and go visit?  Perhaps it is both.  I have not seen my family since June 2015. that is a very long time if you really stop to think about it. By the time I make it home, following the birth of our child, it will be June of 2017.  That's two years of missed birthdays, holidays, picnics, special occasions, nieces and nephews sporting events and plays and so on.  I know that my current situation is no ones fault but my own. I know that and take full responsibility.  I don't want it to come off as though I expected the charges to be dropped and so on or that I should have a special house arrest because that is not the case at all.  Simply, I am sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  One thing I learned from all this aside from to never do what I did again, is that had I lied to the police, I would have gotten off free. I would have went to trial and there is no physical evidence to link me to my actions.  Sure a blood test was given to the 'victim' and tested positive for the medication, HOWEVER, the allegation of when I gave it and the ACTUAL FACTS of when I did give it are no where near close.  Moreover, all the statements from people surrounded by me on that day explicitly stated that they did not see me give the medication on the day in question. So realistically, I could not have been proven without a glimmer of doubt guilty.  Furthermore, the girl I was working with on the day of the allegations, was mad because I took her overtime (yes, petty), and  her brother is a very well known drug dealer of pills in his area.  She very easily could have given her the medication and tried to pin me.  Which in my heart, I wholeheartedly believe.  You can try to say I am not taking responsibility or saying that is an excuse or cop out, but in reality, 1- you were not there and did not witness it 2- you have no idea the malicious people I worked with (the accusing co-worker, brought weed to the house and would smoke on shift, brought random guys to the house and would fuck them in the basement while on shift, beat the shit out of the individual and the list goes on) 3- even my lawyer said the whole case is fishy and does not add up from the beginning.  You are entitled to your opinion by all means, just do not be blinded by the facts.  Yes, one might say, well how do we know these are the facts when you could be switching the story or making stuff up.  Valid point, however, if I wanted to do any of that, I wouldn't have began writing this blog.  I have no desire to flip the script.  Think about it, in doing so where does that get me?  What do I gain or benefit from doing so?  One of the biggest and most annoying misconceptions people have is just because someone made a mistake and has a criminal record, that they are bad people.  News flash, we aren't.  We made a bad decision.  Like most everyone in life has made a bad decision, some worse than others, some having legal consequences others not. I know people who have driven drunk, gotten into accidents because of it, or hit deer and because they have connections with the law, they escaped charges, records, points on their license, and/or simply brought back home by the police without even a slap on the wrist!  All because they elected to name drop to get them out of trouble.  I know people who have bold face lied about not doing something they did and because there was not enough evidence that points directly to them, they get off.  Is that right?  To each their own.  I know that for me, telling the truth and accepting the consequences was the right and only thing to do.  I would not own doing my crime on the day in question, simply because I did not do it on that day.  That to some may look like denial but it is not.  Why would I plead guilty to something that is said to have happened on the wrong day?  I didn't do it that day, I did it another day in a completely different month. I will own my mistakes, but refuse to own something I did not do.

In lieu of family being too busy to call or visit, I have found a friend in an unlikely source.  I went to high school with her and had her on my FB list.  Never did I think this person whom I knew of many years ago, would become my saving grace, my sanity, and a friend.  With my wife working 80 hour weeks, it gets lonely.  People are so busy these days that they don't have time to chat, let alone visit.  I have found comfort in our odd friendship in which so many random things are discussed simply for conversation.  Many days our random conversation has helped pass time and make the days seem to go a bit more normal in terms of speed.  She has two kids, is a stay at home mom, basically an old man in terms of her passion for gardening, gym goer and an overall good person.  Most of the times, our conversations start off pretty random and typically end up in an area of TMI, random facts and good laughs.  Sounds like a crush? NOPE!!!!  We are both married, her to a man and myself to a female.  That alone should tell you there is nothing short of friendship.  Our conversations give me comfort.  Truly they do.  Have you tried secluding yourself in your house and not speaking to anyone?  You become 'down' pretty darn quick.  Now give that a whirl for 9 months!!! I am trying to maintain a positive outlook about this rather than getting down in the slums about it.  Some days are easier than others to be honest.  Some days, when the weather is cold and rainy, make for a good day to cuddle up with a movie and a blanket.  Others, when people are polluting the outside on nice days, make it harder because all I want to do is go out and interact with people.  I used to consider myself an introvert long before this happened.  I enjoyed time by myself, possibly because I have 9 sisters, (including one that lived elsewhere), or we have a large immediate family that always seemed to be gathering for family events, even something small as a picnic. Maybe then, I really enjoyed alone time and declared myself to be an introvert.  But looking at things now and my situation, I don't entirely believe I am an introvert.  I, like most other persons,  enjoy and require me time.  Sometimes, I feel guilty for that, other times, I could care less because this is who I am and I cannot control it.
Nevertheless, finding someone to talk to on a daily basis is refreshing, comforting, exciting and gave me a new outlook on 'relationships.'